Marijuana Dispensary or Evangelical Church?
This week’s newsletter is a game! You get to guess whether these places are dispensaries or churches!
It’s spring break! In that spirit, this week’s newsletter is a bit different. It’s a humor piece, but it’s also a little irreverent—lovingly so, I hope. That said, if you’re not up for irreverent humor today, maybe skip this one.
Let’s play “Marijuana Dispensary or Evangelical Church?”! Here’s how it works: I’ll give you a pair of names of actual churches and dispensaries that you could actually visit by driving for an hour or so around the Greater Boston area, and you have to decide which name belongs to a pot shop and which is a hip evangelical church. Take a guess, and then find the correct answer in the paragraph below. Ready to play? Let’s go!
Awaken vs. Ascend
This could really go either way, but what makes this pair special is how well they go together. You could “awaken” like Jesus from a three-day deathnap and then a short while later “ascend” to heaven. It’s like a holier version of “wake and bake.” Anyway, Ascend is the dispensary.
Happy Valley vs. Lily of the Valley
Valleys are apparently very important both to evangelicals and potheads, I guess because they’re low and so the only place to go is up, or, you know, high. The clue here is the Biblical reference to “lily of the valley,” which comes from the Old Testament book Song of Solomon, which is really just one long metaphor for sex written while King Solomon was—and I’m just speculating here—high.
Seed vs. Vineyard
I’m just going to come right out and tell you that Seed is the pot shop and Vineyard is the church, because it seems entirely likely that these are both actually traps because (I’m told) no one wants seeds in their weed and evangelicals aren’t supposed to drink wine. Proceed with caution.
Apothca vs. Aletheia
This one is tricky, since both names appear to be completely made up, but if you think about it, “Apothca” is a play on “Apothecary,” which, if I remember correctly, is the guy who gave Romeo and Juliet the poison that they used to depress high school students in English classes for centuries. Strange name for a dispensary, but okay. Aletheia, I believe, was a friend of Mary Magdalene’s who was always just kind of around, but she didn’t make it into the final cut of the Bible. Which, honestly, she is still super pissed about.
Mission vs. Mission
The last one was tough so here’s a freebie. No matter what you guessed, you’re right! You might be thinking, I get the “mission” for a church—the whole saving souls thing—but what is the mission for a dispensary? Sinking into the couch half-watching something Netflix chose for you before eventually going to the fridge to eat the leftover pizza you were saving for your kid’s lunch? Well, mission accomplished!
Sanctuary vs. Garden City
This may seem obvious, but by now you should know that things are never the way they seem. Garden City is not some toker’s dream of how we’re going to end climate change, but a real church in a rented building that’s probably too cool to even have a sanctuary.
Speed Round: Lantern vs. Life; Renewal vs. Revolutionary; Reality vs. Ethos
Honestly, I can’t even remember which is which at this point.
Harbor House vs. Highrock
Okay, last one, and I bet you’re feeling confident. I mean, “high” is literally in the name of…the church! Fooled you! Now you’re sitting in a trendy church listening to a goteed-guy in a printed tee talking about how the Most High Rocks (which, I assume, is where the name comes from). You may want to hit up Harbor House after the two-hour service finally winds down.
Thanks for playing Marijuana Dispensary or Evangelical Church!
LOL, Thanks Jonathan